Two years ago but it feels like a whole lifetime ago.
Two years ago but it feels like a whole lifetime ago.
Jennae and I used to be into StumbleUpon and we both had the toolbar installed in our browsers. Throughout the day we’d share links with little comments, knowing the other one would see the blinking “new shared link” button and read it.
Eventually I got bored with StumbleUpon and the spam I was getting so I moved on to other services but Jennae insisted on sending me links through the toolbar. She would ask if I saw one and I’d have to sift through 30 to find the one she most recently sent.
As time went by, she switched to email or chat for sending links.
Every once in a while, I remember that there’s still a couple hundred links waiting for me, many of them from Jennae. Some of them are heartbreaking to read like the “lets take a vacation here when I get better” ones.
I went through a few this morning and found the above. “this is pretty awesome! I think yours is one of the best” in reference to my part of Sween and Poeks’ Criterion Colection video.
I guess “bittersweet” best describes the feeling.
Fear was keeping me from checking on it but it’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
I’m still only covered for a few months but right now I’m letting myself be giddy, knowing that I’m not flat broke.
This may call for a 6-pack, burrito or other modest celebration.
Is anger the last stage of grieving?
I hope so. Harboring rage for the deceased is frustrating. And exhausting.
There have been rumors, speculation and assumption so here is the whole truth.
About a year and a half ago, in addition to the eating disorders, drugs and drinking, my wife started cheating on me with a guy she worked with. I found out but she didn’t care and she continued seeing this guy. Our relationship had already devolved into a caretaker/patient one but the cheating sealed the deal. I began to look into divorce options.
A month or two later came her suicide attempt and her first hospitalization in the psychiatric hospital, specializing in eating disorders. I was now alone at home, unable to proceed with any divorce details without looking like a complete asshole. Alone, trapped and miserable.
I had always brushed off flirtation in the past but when [MARRIED WOMAN A] started complimenting my looks and talking to me regularly, it felt nice. It filled a void that had been there for a long while. It wasn’t right of me but I moved forward and we developed a relationship. We attended tweetups together every few months and chatted every day. We kept it a secret from our friends because we were both married. We were in love as much as two married people separated by 400 miles could be.
In January, I met [MARRIED WOMAN B] in person for the first time. We hit it off quickly and started talking on a regular basis. I got the feeling that she wanted more than friendship but I was still married and still “dating” [MARRIED WOMAN A]. I took a chance and tried to see if we could just “hook up” because she lived close to me and it would now fill one more void - the physical one. We did hook up a few times.
By April, Jennae was out of the hospitals and back home. She was recovering well from the eating disorders but she was spiraling into alcoholism. I would wake up nearly every morning to find her sprawled out on the couch with an empty bottle of wine and some crushed up Vicodin. I was once again her caretaker, this time ensuring that she didn’t overdose, set the house on fire or get behind the wheel. We fought constantly and I was pouring at least one bottle of wine down the drain a week.
CHSH came around and I left Jennae at her dad’s house. I was getting a vacation from being the drunk’s 24 hour caretaker. Friday night, everyone was at the bar and [MARRIED WOMAN A] drank too much. The bartender cut her off. She went stumbling out of the bar, heading the wrong way and so I walked her back to the hotel. I had to hold her up the whole way back and when we got there, she fell in the bathtub. I got her in bed and went back to the bar. I was furious. I had been forced right back into the role of caretaker. That night I ended up in [MARRIED WOMAN B]’s hotel room before returning to my own.
I’m not proud. I cheated on my wife with a married woman and then cheated on her with another married woman. I’m not going to make excuses but I wanted to be loved and I may very well have been feeling a little self destructive.
I ended things with [MARRIED WOMAN A] because I now had a good reason and I had someone else to fill that void.
[MARRIED WOMAN B] and I deepened our relationship, hanging out at least once or twice a week. We both had deep needs and we used each other to fill them. Just as with [MARRIED WOMAN A] and I, we saw each other as perfect and ignored any red flags because it just felt nicer that way.
We were just as in love when Jennae went into the hospital for her surgery. Things didn’t go well, infection set in and she passed away in June. [MARRIED WOMAN B] was there for me. I was leaning on her whenever I could but she had a husband, kids and a whole other life.
By mid July I realized that I needed to end this relationship. Among other reasons, we argued tons, there was a definite age difference and bottom line, she was married. I needed to start making healthy decisions. I needed to move forward. I needed to be single and date, rather than just cling to another unavailable person, hoping to be magically made ok.
I’m not telling this to try and hurt anyone. It’s simply the truth and I won’t apologize for telling the truth. I’m also not trying to paint heroes, victims or villains. I admit that I’ve made mistakes but I refuse to believe that makes me a bad person. I’m really trying hard. I didn’t expect to be so affected by Jennae’s death, considering the last 18 months of our marriage wasn’t much of a relationship but I am affected. I can’t ignore the other 9 years which weren’t so bad and even really good at times.
I’m moving on and I sincerely hope [MARRIED WOMAN A] and [MARRIED WOMAN B] can do the same.
was promptly filled up when my wife passed away.
It’s remained filled ever since and I haven’t gone through to read what you guys wrote. I knew you were there for me and I felt like if I started to read them, I would have to start responding.
I started reading back today and getting rid of some of them.
Thank you. I love you guys.
Going through Jennae’s email, looking for insurance info. I’m seeing emails from her best friend that continue after she died - mostly about how much she misses Jennae. It’s sweet and I understand. But buried among them is the above - from 2 months after Jennae died. WTF?
The first wedding anniversary since she died was last month - October 11th. It didn’t bother me. I was fine.
As days go by, the one thing that does bother me is that no one said a word to me about it. No uncles, aunts, cousins or parents. Not even my father-in-law called.
It’s a selfish thought and I’ll get over it.
I feel like I should still be crying but I’m too happy to cry. Luckily I’m easily emotionally invested in just about any movie.
This one did it for me yesterday. Hard.